Another Addition to the Big List…

Although I am decidedly not a religious person, I amuse myself at times imagining that somewhere, unbeknownst to us, there is a big old ledger book. Within said book is an account of how we die. Perhaps it’s for background checks prior to entry into Valhalla, who knows – it’s made up, after all. If a person passes on in a particularly spectacular fashion, it is noted in the book: “died in a hail of terrorist gunfire while rescuing a school full of orphans” would be one of the better and more heroic ones.

The thought experiment on my part includes coming up with ways I would not want to die – not that I’m anxious to in any circumstances, but I’d like to go out with a little of my dignity intact, if possible. People may not remember you so positively while they say, “Poor old Flash. Imagine, suffocating under a mountain of chinchilla feces”, or, “I’ve never seen anyone shot in the face with an explosive-tipped slinky.” You get the idea. Bizarre, and ultimately humiliating.

I’ve got a new one to add to the list as of this morning. Not so humiliating, but certainly bizarre and disturbing.

I’d prefer, if I have any say in the matter, not to have my head sawn off by a fucking lunatic in sunglasses while travelling through Manitoba on a Greyhound bus.

Can you imagine?

Fucking Manitoba?

Gives me the jibblies.

The most recent attack…

It’s patently obvious that John McCain has absolutely nothing good to say about himself, his policy platform, or his hope for the future of the United States. That can be the only conclusion one can draw from the dark turn that his campaign has taken. They’ve attacked Obama for wanting to increase oil prices by saying “no” to drilling in ANWAR (even after most economists have agreed that any oil found there would make no appreciable dent in prices), they’ve challenged his patriotism for not visiting the troops in Germany on his recent tour (though it was the Pentagon that told the campaign that they could not), and now they’ve compared him to Britney and Paris for being popular.

John McCain’s campaign is obviously adrift, he is obviously a turd in the punchbowl, and anyone that votes for him is either an idiot or one of the rich-beyond-mere-words that have been further enriched by Bush’s raping of the American economy.

Nevertheless, he will still likely win in November.

There, I’ve said it.

Update: Obama’s campaign has responded with a new ad commenting on how McCain’s campaign has gone negative. Just wait for the McCain response – “Obama Campaign Goes Negative – How Typical Of Them!”

Nova Scotia has a drinking problem

Apparently. Of course any tears from the provincial government are crocodile in nature.

A sign of the times (if it was, like, ten years ago)

In a move that would have appeared obvious a decade ago, were their management the least bit competent, Ford today announced that they will bring a line of small cars to North America to try to claw back some of their staggering $8.7 billion quarterly loss. Ford’s plans, which are laid out with a bit more detail here, include retooling three truck/SUV plants to small cars, doubling production of hybrids by 2009, and doubling their capacity to produce four-cylinder engines by 2011.

A company with the tiniest amount of foresight would have seen that testosterone-dripping commercials about sweaty guys workin’ hard with their trucks in stark shadowy lighting could only carry them so far. For the sake of the American automotive industry, I hope it isn’t too late.

That said, I just bought a Matrix.

The next thing to get pulled off of you at the airport

In case you need your right-wing silliness levels topped up, here’s a good one from Glenn Beck, CNN’s in-house blowhard: if you wear a Che Guevara t-shirt, you’re probably a terrorist. Yep, always good at turning anything into a screed, Beck has determined that because some of the army officials that pulled off the rescue wore them, they are de riguer in the terrorist set. Not only that, *only* terrorists wear them. See the logic?

Sure, there’s plenty of talk of one intelligence team member, nervous about the mission, who wore a Red Cross symbol against orders. But other accounts confirm the use of something you can probably pick up at any mall: a Che Guevara T-shirt.

That’s right, the same T-shirts you see Hollywood celebrities, starving pseudo-artists and confused hipster teens wearing around local coffee shops. To all those who decide that you want to be coffee house communist-chic, remember this: When you are wearing a Che T-shirt, you’re wearing the same shirt that makes terrorists believe you’re just one of the gang. I hope that latte is tasty.

See that – the people that don’t agree with him seem to all wear them, too – lefties all. Bastards. Commies. He even has to reference that old “latte-drinking” trope. Please, Glenn, what about us black coffee drinking socialists that figure there’s got to be a better way than the “who dies with the most wins” system we have now? Those that, like I think you do, know there is a difference between socialism and communism, and understand that denigrating modern socialists with the “Che” and “communist” brush, is simply an attempt to deny that there just might be a better way to go about business.

You seriously need to get better material – I mean, who writes this stuff? You?

S&M airlines?

Homeland Security official considering ‘shock’ bracelets for domestic travellers.

Is this a hoax? It sounds like satire, but it reads as serious:

the bracelet would be worn by all airline passengers (video also shown below).

This bracelet would:

• Take the place of an airline boarding pass

• Contain personal information about the traveler

• Be able to monitor the whereabouts of each passenger and his/her luggage

• Shock the wearer on command, completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes

The Electronic ID Bracelet, as it’s referred to, would be worn by every traveler “until they disembark the flight at their destination.” Yes, you read that correctly. Every airline passenger would be tracked by a government-funded GPS, containing personal, private and confidential information, and would shock the customer worse than an electronic dog collar if the passenger got out of line.

Just awesome. You can’t make this kind of stuff up.

An army of one

Bush demands Congress drill for oil, demands the EPA do nothing about greenhouse gasses until he’s gone, and all the while, the stock market burns as the insane deregulation of the mortgage industry begins to really take hold.

Next time you’re feeling powerless, just think of how much difference one person can make.

Is it November yet?

John McCain, economic wunderkind

In the most recent of a series of WTF? moments, John McCain has released his long-awaited (snicker) economic plans. He will balance the budget by the end of his first term (at which time he will be 132 years of age) by, dig this, maintaining the gazillion-dollar tax cut to the rich and ending the war in Iraq.

This is on par with his great environmental plan to redefine the global warming issue as an energy dependency one, and then offer up the oil potential off the northern Alaskan slope as a solution.

His economic plan (stretching the term plan to the breaking point) might, might, be remotely sane if the US government budget was balanced before the war began, but it was not. The US government was already well into debt before the bombs dropped in 2003.

How is it possible that any Republican will be able to cast a vote for this useless tool, if not simply out of pure, dull-witted party loyalty?

Words fail…

If the value of the dollar and the stability of their economy was not enough of a sign, this ought to establish that the empire is cycling the drain.

The US campaign tumbles over our border…

If Barack Obama wins the US presidency, Stephen Baldwin has threatened to leave the country. Naturally, we can’t allow this, as he might end up here in peaceful and talented Canada, diluting our stores of both with his bloviating on and off screen.

Consider this a call to arms – volunteer, mobilize fund-raising, pretend he’s an economic genius in your blogs, don’t point out the disconnect between his “green” campaign and expanding oil exploration in the Arctic, continue to pretend that he’s a “maverick” polititician who will fight against the influence of lobbyists by hiring them all and thereby getting them together in one place for the final takedown (I’ve said too much), and support his call for a national nap period between dinner and Wheel of Fortune. Let’s get John McCain into office this November!

This is the cause of our generation – for God’s sake people, Stephen Baldwin must have his way and stay ensconced in his Beverly Hills Baldwinarium! The US dollar is worth shit now, so if he is driven out into the real world, he will be forced to work for a living, and you all know what that means – more Stephen Baldwin movies!