With The Maverick and Hokkimom’s campaign being beaten by reality and going negative in the hope that an aging hippy rebel can stick to Obama’s shiny carapace, it’s time to for the October surprise: he and his “wife” (pictured immediately before feeding) are in fact, undead.
The announcement was saved until late in the campaign for a couple of reasons. First, with the truth finally out, he can dispel the rumours he left his first wife merely for money and sex (it was in fact for the secret to eternal life). And second, the announcement will put to rest fears that his health should be a concern during his tenure as president. What looks to modern science as melanomas are in reality known in the necromantic arts as transitional morpha and they’re not bad. They are a biproduct, if you will, of the process being perfected behind the walls of Anheuser-Busch, a process only partly related to the publicly-sold product they refer to as beer.
The focus of the campaign will now shift to highlight the positives of his new condition. For instance, it will make him a more effective president, because he will no longer need to sleep, making answering the phone at 3 AM a snap. In addition, he will save taxpayer dollars by cutting back on kitchen staff, being able to provide sustenance on his own in the darkened streets of DC. Naturally, the media will have to tolerate his ungainly and ponderous wandering around, but we have faith – it was years before the general population knew that FDR was in fact in a wheelchair. Besides, they have prepared the ground, as it were, the other night during the townhall “debate” when he appeared to be looking for something he’d dropped most of the evening, and they didn’t even comment. Okay, Jon Stewart did, but he’s got his coming, don’t you worry.
While transitional morpha are painful, they won’t kill him. Well, that’s not exactly true, more specifically, they won’t prevent him from fulfilling a couple of (hundred) terms in office (should the constitution happen to be amended by a faithful horde of similarly-perfected beings).
With that, I will leave you with this little earworm for which I have Flash to thank. In McCain’s fifth term it will replace the Star-Spangled Banner. An improvement, particularly if you can’t hit the two octaves (and noone can – why is pain considered patriotic?) required to properly sing it.